Equality

 Shinde, who came out as a transgender woman last week and is currently undergoing surgery, says she hopes she has given people the strength to make choices that require courage.

It took the coronavirus-induced lockdown for fashion designer Swapnil Shinde to realise that he had to do something to accept himself the same way as he wanted everybody else to. For years he had led life as a gay man, not embracing his real identity. He was a transgender person – a woman trapped in a man’s body. Shinde, 39, who is now to be called Saisha, had an intense nine months of introspection while being stuck alone at home. She suffered panic attacks and anxiety attacks, which her therapist later said came out of the deeply unresolved identity issues she was grappling with.

Now that she has dealt with her inner turmoil, Saisha has an even bigger challenge ahead of her. Currently undergoing gender reassignment surgery, she wants people to not just accept multiple sexualities and gender fluidity, but also have those difficult conversations about identity. “For anyone who’s battling something but doesn’t have the courage to accept it and deal with it – whether its abuse or sexual abuse, acceptance of your sexuality, rebelling against parents or even about young girls who are forced into marriage - any choice that requires bravery and courage, I hope what I’ve done will give people that,” she says.

Saisha Shinde came out as a transgender woman last week 

Designer Saisha Shinde on her struggles to step out of a man’s body

Labonita GhoshMumbai Mirror

Jan 11, 2021, 22:14 IST

Shinde, who came out as a transgender woman last week and is currently undergoing surgery, says she hopes she has given people the strength to make choices that require courage.

It took the coronavirus-induced lockdown for fashion designer Swapnil Shinde to realise that he had to do something to accept himself the same way as he wanted everybody else to. For years he had led life as a gay man, not embracing his real identity. He was a transgender person – a woman trapped in a man’s body. Shinde, 39, who is now to be called Saisha, had an intense nine months of introspection while being stuck alone at home. She suffered panic attacks and anxiety attacks, which her therapist later said came out of the deeply unresolved identity issues she was grappling with.

Now that she has dealt with her inner turmoil, Saisha has an even bigger challenge ahead of her. Currently undergoing gender reassignment surgery, she wants people to not just accept multiple sexualities and gender fluidity, but also have those difficult conversations about identity. “For anyone who’s battling something but doesn’t have the courage to accept it and deal with it – whether its abuse or sexual abuse, acceptance of your sexuality, rebelling against parents or even about young girls who are forced into marriage - any choice that requires bravery and courage, I hope what I’ve done will give people that,” she says.

Saisha Shinde came out as a transgender woman last week

Saisha Shinde came out as a transgender woman last week

Excerpts from an interview:

How old were you when you realised you were gay?

That’s like asking a straight woman when did you realise you were straight? You’re born a certain way, and because of what society says, you know you are either a straight woman or a straight man. You’re never told that you may be born a gay man or a transgender woman, so there’s a lot of confusion in trying to understand who you are.

My earliest memory is of when I was in school – it was an all-boys school – and I felt completely out of place. By the fifth grade, we knew the distinctions between a boy and a girl. I still felt a lot of confusion, but the focus then was on studies - and on staying alive, because I was bullied heavily. Then, as you grow older, you get some understanding about your situation, but you also realise it’s something that you cannot talk about. This was in the early 90s, when there was zero awareness. It wasn’t until six years ago that I realised I have gender identity dysphoria - and that what I’ve been feeling all these years is the fact that I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body.

Designer Saisha Shinde on self-realisation and coming out as a transwoman

I believe it was during the lockdown that you decided to come out as a trans woman?

Yes. I live alone with my three cats. Being stuck by myself for that amount of time made everything come to the forefront. I had intense panic and anxiety attacks and no amount of video calls to friends or my therapist would help. It was my therapist who later pointed out that these attacks seemed relentless because I had still not accepted my truth.

When the lockdown opened slightly, my therapist called for a session, and it was that session that literally turned it around for me. The session involved me sitting in two chairs and asking questions to, and answering, my inner saboteur [in this case, Swapnil]. So when Swapnil asked me why I am ashamed to be myself, the answer was such a profound one, that it completely shocked me. It was “I’m afraid I might not get the same respect [as a woman]”. That was the turning point for me because I want to change that.

What did you do immediately after that?

I went home and called my friends to tell them I was now ready [to become a woman]. But they didn’t give it much importance because I’ve been going back and forth on this for the last six years. So while they were supportive, my friends weren’t as excited as I thought they would be. But in a matter of days, when I started wearing make-up to work, they accepted that [my transition] is really happening. And I was so excited to go to work, because I could finally go as myself.

Sometimes I used to wear make-up, but it was always behind closed doors. I’m 6’2.5”, broad built and my look was very rugged and masculine. I even had a beard at one point. So the general idea that everyone put in my head was that I was an attractive handsome man, so why would I need to [transition]? I have a great life, a great profession and amazing friends. I get to travel a lot, shop and do everything I want. So why do you need this now? My friends would ask. I never realised that everything else is secondary and accepting who I am is the most important thing. Still, whenever I tried to go out with a little make up, I was extremely uncomfortable and conscious because I wasn’t ready.

Today, I have to accept that I will always be a tall, broad woman. I might not be what society deems feminine, but does that mean I am any less of a woman? No, because that’s who I am inside. I have set a goal for myself as to what I want to look like and I’m about 40 per cent there.

Shinde says as a child in an all-boys school, he was an easy target and suffered silently for 10 years

Shinde says as a child in an all-boys school, he was an easy target and suffered silently for 10 years

Let’s talk about the bullying that you faced growing up…

I’ve been raised by women – my aunt, mother, sister and even my caretaker. My father, the breadwinner, was busy with the business so he wasn’t really much of an emotional support. Even though I had all these amazing people in my life, I couldn’t communicate that I was being bullied.

School was pure torture. It was an all-boys school and everyone’s puberty was hitting the roof. I was never effeminate, but I was ‘feminine’ looking - I had soft, smooth skin, my hair was silky and I didn’t really get a moustache in my teens. I was an easy target but I couldn’t do anything about it because I didn’t know any better. The bullying ranged from teasing and name-calling to being pushed and shoved. I was once shoved so hard onto a bench that I had to have an operation on my foot. The teasing was endless. From the start of the day to the end of the day, for every single day for 10 years. At lunch time, I would stand by the school gates, looking at the freedom outside and was desperate to leave. And then when I walked back home - my house was inside a bylane – the boys from the colony would tease me. So even the walk through the bylane to my building, was a walk of shame. Every single day I was called chhakka or any of those words, which were screamed out loud as I walked by. I managed to stay sane only because of the women in my family, who were very loving. But I just didn’t have the courage to tell them what was happening to me.

My parents may have known what was going on, but they were probably in denial. This is the problem with conservative parents. They love you and want to be there for you, but there is zero communication. It’s strange because my father used to buy me Barbie dolls every time I went for a haircut. I hated having my hair cut so I would make a deal with him to get a new doll every time I went for a haircut. He would take me himself to buy one. It’s such an irony that while I did have some level of support, I could not talk about my problems. To be honest, I myself didn’t quite understand what I was dealing with. That it was something that I was born with.

My father used to get me a Barbie doll after every haircut, says fashion designer Saisha Shinde

How did your parents react when you finally told them?

Growing up, my father was not a very communicative person. But when I got into the fashion industry, he became beyond accepting of everything. So it became quite easy for me to come out and openly live my life as a gay man. A year ago, when I had to tell my father that I was not a gay man but a transgender woman, it was the most complicated conversation I have ever had. I had to have it in Marathi (laughs), a language where there aren’t even words to describe what you’re going through.

My father was taken aback, but said: “Do I agree with what you’re doing? No. But will I support you in it? Yes.” Six months ago, when I had the conversation [about the surgery], he was a changed man. He wanted to know more about the surgeons, if we were doing it right and how much it would cost. As for my mother, it was difficult for her to see me as a woman. But the next day, she and I were discussing names [for me]. In retrospect, perhaps if had I spoken to my parents earlier, this would have happened earlier too.

How did you come up with your name?

My niece’s name is Saisha. There were three or four other names that I had finalised, but Saisha sort of ‘felt’ mine. Then on New Year’s eve night, my friends and I did a silly thing. We put all the options in a bowl and I picked one. Luckily, I chose Saisha, the name I had wanted. But before I did that, I had a word with my cousin, since I was going to take his daughter’s name. But he was so excited and felt proud that I was taking a name that was so special to them.

Why did you feel the need to make this distinction between not being a gay man but being a trans woman?

If you’re a gay man, it’s all about acceptance and being able to live your life as a gay man. You don’t need to make any changes. But if you are a transgender woman, there are a lot of things you need to change. You have to decide what you want to do and what you want to look like. A lot of trans women don’t want to reveal that they were once men. That’s their choice, but I feel more people need to talk about it to make it seem normal. Then the stigma automatically goes away.

How did you decide to go all the way?

Some transgender people are happy to simply cross-dress now and then, while others are satisfied with simply a breast augmentation procedure. It’s a personal choice as to what amount of change is going to make you feel woman [or man] enough. [I opted for gender reassignment surgery because] I know where I want to reach to feel closest to being the woman I want to be. My hormone replacement therapy started six years ago, but I kept stopping because I wasn’t sure. Finally, a year ago, it was done. I am undergoing voice modulation treatments as well, but it’s a long process.

What has been the industry’s reaction?

The industry people have been absolutely amazing. Many of them reassured me that nothing would change with respect to my work and they were right. All those who could publicly support me with a post or a message have done so. Others have sent me private messages.

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Shraddha Kapoor sent me a wonderful message saying that [what I was doing] was so empowering not just for trans people, but for women in general, to have the courage and bravery to achieve what we want to achieve. Parineeti Chopra did a repost. Shruti Hassan, who has been my muse for a long time, messaged as well. So did Sunny Leone, who has been such an inspiration because she’s a woman who has lived her dream without any inhibition. Another actor sent me a giant hamper of make-up. It’s been a whole bunch – here we go again – of women who have messaged me, and some gay men from the industry. And a very small number of straight men. I won’t say it’s disappointing, but it would be nice if the straight men from the industry would also talk about this. But I guess I needed that slap on the face to show me how it really is. I feel our profession is so progressive that it would’ve been nice if more people had talked about this. I’ve also been trolled about [my coming out]. Some people this is against religion, and I’m being disrespectful of how God has made me. Others have said that I’m letting men down, and that if all men become like me then laanat hai mardon pe. But its okay. I believe I’m here to educate people.

Saisha Shinde: The industry people have been absolutely amazing. Many of them reassured me that nothing would change with respect to my work and they were right.

Saisha Shinde: The industry people have been absolutely amazing. Many of them reassured me that nothing would change with respect to my work and they were right.

How is your wardrobe going to change?

I’ve always worn, jeans, a T-shirt and leather jackets. I’m still working on what my personal style will be by trying to understand what makes me, me. But it's definitely going to be something unique. I love wearing skirts and heels, and even though I’m 6’2”, I love to wear six-inch heels. I’ve just started walking in public in heels and I look like a reindeer on thin ice right now. But you know what – you need to do these things for yourself. That’s why I chose between continuing to live like a gay man or becoming a trans woman. I had made my choice - till it started affecting me mentally and emotionally.

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I feel what I’ve done is extremely important not just for the LGBTQi community, but for anyone who’s battling something but doesn’t have the courage to accept it and deal with it. Whether it is abuse or sexual abuse, acceptance of your sexuality, rebelling against parents or even about young girls who are forced into marriage. Any choice that requires bravery and courage, I hope what I’ve done will give people that.